Allan Tigerman’s View of The Woods

This is the front door of the woods after you wake up the next day.

A place that will serve you drinks, and has a space to dance which does get filled. Not bad for this Williamsburg hood.

6 Bar Height for Shorter Types
5 Wait time for Refreshment
8 Door dude tude
6 Contribution to the overall quality of your night
8 Dancing and does it Happen
6.6

Allan Tigerman is a Free Daily Sameness critic, and a critic who works at Free Daily Sameness.

Oh! Yesterday was such an interesting day – but the day before that, I caught up with a guy I barely know and traded idle chatter with him at one of those bars where everything inside is made of trees and their derivatives. All he did was parrot on, branching the conversation this way and that. He really didn’t twig how bored Allan Tigerman was. It was very difficult to suppress yawns under a canopy of deceit so I just yawned away. Accidentally I roared a yawn out so loudly it was like a bough breaking – that I excused it on listening too him with so much concentration that I was tired was a stroke of genius. A brilliant cover-up I thought. Sadly this only caused his monologue to take root and he could not be swayed.

You know these meetings. A few microbrewery beers  that you’ve never heard of – degenerates into happy hour draft standard beer that you have heard of – degenerates into canned beer and a well drink that you don’t care if you’ve heard of or not –  before you know it you’re drinking Tecate.

Kapow – before I knew it there I was, here I am, back in The Woods on S4th, between Wythe and Kent Avenues in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Allan Tigerman; back in The Woods after I swore only a few days before that I would never leave the jungle. My new friend who by now was one of my best friends in my whole life and who was someone I would take a punch for; was very keen to go there and if there’s one thing that anyone knows about me…it’s the sacrifices.

Sigh.

So there we went. God forbid I hung my head so that Percy and Doug the doormen would not recognize me, luckily with my striped camouflage coat there’s enough replicas of them sold by H & M that allows me to blend into the background. Of course I was wearing sneaks.

Some sort of party of girls at the bar of course. Well maybe it was twenty-one parties of two girls; Allan Tigerman never counts – I leave that to people who think too much about how they look and react around people. I am personally too socially anxious to worry about that sort of thing.

So there was some guy wearing a nifty looking tweed jacket dancing around trying to recapture his youth. Or any youth really, as most of the girls he was approaching were young enough to buy tickets from him for fairground rides.

Review update after the hangover wears off…

Well I sort of made that all up see, as actually while I was ‘meant’ to review going to The Woods this week – I walked past The Woods – no actually I walked past the street The Woods is on – well actually about 5 cnrs away from that street; and I thought well perhaps I’ll just regurgitate a Yelp review I read about somewhere else and use that for The Woods.

Unluckily that Yelp review was one I had written myself about The Woods two months prior, so my plan came completely undone. That’s what happens when you spend your Fridays coked up to high heaven – kids! So find my review scores below. Suffice to say, if the world is ending The Woods is definitely not the worst place you could end up; for example you could end up upside-down and back to front in an Allan Tigerman sandwich. Yeah. Perspectives.

If you have a place that you’d like me to review, leave it in the comments below and Allan Tigerman will endeavor to do what he does best – and hopefully fluke some type of blog post about your favorite drinking, eating or hanging out (shit)hole.

I love you all except if you are an Austrian with big hair who is trying to ‘out coat’ my jacket. x

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Written By

Allan Tigerman. Our resident reviewer, bringing to criticism that which Darth Vader brought to Luke Skywalker's hand. Allan would like a drinking contest with you: unless you're a duo of Austrian American Magician's or a circus ringmaster of any nationality. Follow his Twitter for snide NY reviews.

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