fantasy football draft board
Let us blame.

The Five Undeniable Truths of Fantasy Football

Lo, every year at around this time, the Gods of NFL Fantasy Football gather together at the top of Mount Spreadsheet.

God and God Dude
So what shall we do to Amendola this year?

Their purpose? Scheming ways to propagate misery on Any Given Sunday toward the statistical sporting mortals who are painfully addicted to the sacrament of 1 point scored for every ten yards rushed.

As a believer, I was only too pleased to receive a mysterious invitation that was delivered via a vision I had on the toilet – it was from the Fantasy Gods themselves – to become their representative Commissioner on earth. I offered to accept on the condition that I could rescind this flex role to a way more likeable Argentinian when I felt like I’d had enough.

“What the hell,” I said. In the words of the Fantasy Lord, “Let he who is without sin, do something a little risky to become a more interesting person.”

Let us pray. Here are the five undeniable truths of Fantasy Football, as told to me dudes who live way up there. (Connecticut, or Maine, or maybe…Canada). The response is in italics.

One

The fantasy player that undoubtedly has the best draft ever; will not win the league.
I know this, it happens to me every year.

Two

The fantasy player who talks the most trash at the draft; will not win the league.
I know this, it happens to me every year.

Three

The fantasy player who absolutely insists that their League is ‘harder’ and more ‘special’ and filled with ‘old friends that go way back’; and who claims that they ‘couldn’t possibly invite you into the league as we don’t have room and we’re tight, you know, its just my close buddies’… will beg you to join when someone drops out on draft day.
I know this, and guys, I’m waiting to see if we have the numbers to do it this year.

Four

The ‘under-the-radar sleeper pick’ that you reach for in the draft will be quite happy to remain just that for the whole of your season.
I know this, because who does not prefer sleeping to waking-up?

Five

Sick and demented fantasy fans will use social media to react with irrational, psychotic hostility towards real NFL players who fail to achieve the performance expectations placed on them by nerdy statisticians with no real appreciation of football.
Follow me on twitter @TrevBoroCouncil

Good luck this season. Unless you’re in the Burrito Bowl – where I wish you nothing but a a plague of locusts around the time when you come to set your lineup each week.

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