God hates Phelps, Lobsters

The founder of the Westboro Baptist Church is dying.  I don’t mean that in an esoteric sense, like how we are all dying (not Cher), I mean that in a very literal sense – one of god’s children is on the edge of death in a hospice centre in Kansas.  I would very much like to say that it is a sad day in the history of the world but I couldn’t be happier that the son-of-a-biyatch is feeling the steely, cold fist of death being throttled up his rotting arse.

I will not further implant the infamy of his church by explaining their tomfoolery; hopefully readers know of his ‘God Hates Fags‘ motto and protesting the funerals of fallen soldiers, but I will express my delight and state that the United States of America is losing a hero and a scallywag, all in one.

Phelps is a product of a country destined to produce such wickedness through an obsession with a piece of fiction called Fifty Shades of Gray – wait – sorry, I mean The Bible.  I always get those two mixed up. My bad. ‘Phelpsy’s’ literal interpretation of this ridiculous but gloriously written piece of text is unsurprising, especially as his beliefs reside in a religion that exists through the separatist view that baptism should only be performed on true believers, and via a complete immersion in water.  They wish to drown one in the glory of the lord for only those with brain damage can truly be believers.

I will take this time to explain that you will never see me capitalise the first letter of any religious terminology, such as god or lord, as they have had enough time to enjoy the glory of capitalism and it has gotten me nowhere so fuck them.  Jesus, on the other hand (or cheek), is the name of the main protagonist of the new testament, so I will bow to my literary laws for a few things.

The pervasive nature of religion as a whole has simply destroyed civilization and kept good men down. Women have not had the best time either. To base such liberty on two sentences, from two different parts of this novel (the bible) while completely refusing to acknowledge the whole is just plain ignorant and, well, dumb.

Phelps is clearly a man that wears polyester and yet the bible clearly states that any person (man) who wears clothing made of two different threads will be put to death.

Phelps and his unfortunate brood reject the new testament as clearly they not follow the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth.  I’ve read a bible, and Jesus truly was a character that deserves praise and glory for he really is the nicest bloke out there, yet sadly there remains a section of ‘christians’ who are the most un-christlike people in the whole, wide world.

Phelps believes he has always been doing the right thing, even if it is to hide the fact that he is a big cock-sucking fag himself because this writer will divulge something that I have never told a soul.

Since Phelpsy proclaims to know that god hate fags, and has never been successfully disproven, I will now proclaim, as the truth, that I have had sex with the Pastor Fred Phelps.  He has a two inch penis and when fully naked, he resembles the love child of Skeletor and Mr Burns.  It was brief and it was cold, but his orgasm was real and we snuggled for five minutes after he relieved me, and then he sent me on my way.  He wasn’t overly tender but he did swallow, and for that I am grateful.

I conclude but say farewell to Fred.  You lived a life that was too accommodating to your tastes and the country that bore you needs to take this time to look deep within itself and stop turning the other cheek on people who deserve for their cheeks to be turned toward each other, and then destroyed.  In a country where unarmed black kids, innocent theatre-goers, and really just anybody walking around can be gunned down, why hasn’t anyone put an NRA bullet right in my ex-lovers temple?  Fred Phelps is dying.  I, for one, hope it’s excruciatingly slow and incandescently painful.  If there is a god, it would make this so.  Amen.

Photo Credit: dustout via Compfight cc

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Much more than just a hairdo, he is hip and groin. He was one of the founding members of the now defunct ChristianFondle.com, and believes that disco music was made to make you dance. He once wore a pair of shoes, and nothing will stop him from breathing but sweet, sweet death.


  • Mr Downe!

    I get your anger. Fred Phelps is a piece of work and represents the pinnacle of some of the most disgusting possible points of view.

    Is he worth the vitriol? Everything the man stands for is abhorrent – yet rational people can and do make rational decisions everyday and remain unaffected by this guy. I think Fred has long been beyond saving; and I would be more scared if that church/organization had intelligent people working for them that had the capacity to engage mainstream support.

    I don’t agree with censorship though Downey, – I will always rather live in a country where you hear about these views because free speech is a gift even if it is abused. Exposing those views is what allows consensus to continue to behave decently. Your last paragraph irked me a bit, but I do not deny your right to hate the guy. People like him are not a problem unique to the USA and the need for introspection is not exclusively American.

  • Drury, thank you for your comment and I apologise for insulting your apparent nationalistic love for the US of A, but you have highlighted the basic issue I have with this whole thing. Freedom of speech, while comforting for those who believe themselves to be liberal, can be very destructive. Because of man’s lack of control, we require laws to be enacted so that we can live as peacefully and safely as possible, together, as a community. Why should speech be held to a higher degree? Look at what a belief in freedom of speech has done to the media in America; it has created a farce of journalism and turned newspapers into gossip magazines. Religion is the same; it has turned into an untouchable force that has spiraled into a hurricane of hurt. Speech and religion should be regulated. Not to discourage individualism or thought, but to encourage rationalism and consideration. Because when you have a higher degree of rational and considerate populations, then shall thrive individualism and thought but at greater intellectual level. Perhaps we can finally live in a world where ‘think before you speak’ is a truth and not just a concept.

    • Mr Downe – my love knows no bounds or boundaries except for Norwich; or the ‘other’ side of North London and that’s only on Saturday’s at 3:00pm or thereabouts.

      You’re right I did highlight the real issue. Fred Phelps is a caricature of both religion and the anti-gay stance, and he remains that in death. His idiocy has help to promote the cause and create support for gay rights – he is the best thing that could have happened, because his ‘free speech’ as was, served to highlight how ridiculous the polar stances he represented were. Even his own son could not reconcile himself with his fathers views. The guy got his desserts.

      Without free speech what might we get? Suppression of issues. Toeing the line. No platform for whistleblowers or for the leaking of information to be supported. We actually get more kowtowing to religious doctrine, we get less impetus to question. We get limited discussion and limited debate, which is the real farce of the journalism you point to as leverage.

      As for religion, you cannot police belief or faith. You can legislate for what people physically do, and depending where you are in the world the legislation helps you, and some places it doesn’t; and you can choose to defend belief or not.

      A key issue I feel where religion becomes a problem is its role cultures where the state uses it (religion) as the vehicle for suppressive legislation. Those by the way, are also countries that typically have strict laws regarding freedom of speech.

      Enjoy your affogato.

  • SARAH! I love tha tyou took off the sleeves. Not that th#&1e82y7;re not cute, but I think it is an improvement and keeps it in the Mad Men style for sure. Also glad to see that it looks good on a curvy girl too, since that is why I hesitated and didn’t buy it yet. Also, your haircut looks fabulous with this dress!

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