The founder of the Westboro Baptist Church is dying. I don’t mean that in an esoteric sense, like how we are all dying (not Cher), I mean that in a very literal sense – one of god’s children is on the edge of death in a hospice centre in Kansas. I would very much like to say that it is a sad day in the history of the world but I couldn’t be happier that the son-of-a-biyatch is feeling the steely, cold fist of death being throttled up his rotting arse.
I will not further implant the infamy of his church by explaining their tomfoolery; hopefully readers know of his ‘God Hates Fags‘ motto and protesting the funerals of fallen soldiers, but I will express my delight and state that the United States of America is losing a hero and a scallywag, all in one.
Phelps is a product of a country destined to produce such wickedness through an obsession with a piece of fiction called Fifty Shades of Gray – wait – sorry, I mean The Bible. I always get those two mixed up. My bad. ‘Phelpsy’s’ literal interpretation of this ridiculous but gloriously written piece of text is unsurprising, especially as his beliefs reside in a religion that exists through the separatist view that baptism should only be performed on true believers, and via a complete immersion in water. They wish to drown one in the glory of the lord for only those with brain damage can truly be believers.
I will take this time to explain that you will never see me capitalise the first letter of any religious terminology, such as god or lord, as they have had enough time to enjoy the glory of capitalism and it has gotten me nowhere so fuck them. Jesus, on the other hand (or cheek), is the name of the main protagonist of the new testament, so I will bow to my literary laws for a few things.
The pervasive nature of religion as a whole has simply destroyed civilization and kept good men down. Women have not had the best time either. To base such liberty on two sentences, from two different parts of this novel (the bible) while completely refusing to acknowledge the whole is just plain ignorant and, well, dumb.
Phelps is clearly a man that wears polyester and yet the bible clearly states that any person (man) who wears clothing made of two different threads will be put to death.
Phelps and his unfortunate brood reject the new testament as clearly they not follow the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth. I’ve read a bible, and Jesus truly was a character that deserves praise and glory for he really is the nicest bloke out there, yet sadly there remains a section of ‘christians’ who are the most un-christlike people in the whole, wide world.
Phelps believes he has always been doing the right thing, even if it is to hide the fact that he is a big cock-sucking fag himself because this writer will divulge something that I have never told a soul.
Since Phelpsy proclaims to know that god hate fags, and has never been successfully disproven, I will now proclaim, as the truth, that I have had sex with the Pastor Fred Phelps. He has a two inch penis and when fully naked, he resembles the love child of Skeletor and Mr Burns. It was brief and it was cold, but his orgasm was real and we snuggled for five minutes after he relieved me, and then he sent me on my way. He wasn’t overly tender but he did swallow, and for that I am grateful.
I conclude but say farewell to Fred. You lived a life that was too accommodating to your tastes and the country that bore you needs to take this time to look deep within itself and stop turning the other cheek on people who deserve for their cheeks to be turned toward each other, and then destroyed. In a country where unarmed black kids, innocent theatre-goers, and really just anybody walking around can be gunned down, why hasn’t anyone put an NRA bullet right in my ex-lovers temple? Fred Phelps is dying. I, for one, hope it’s excruciatingly slow and incandescently painful. If there is a god, it would make this so. Amen.