When I eventually wake from a restful slumber which abounds in dreamy landscapes and whimsical ‘diorami’ (many dioramas), nothing is more enjoyable than brewing a hot cup o’ jo, taking a seat on your favourite tuffet, and switching on some telly. Despite the fact that what I’ve just said sounds ‘amazeballs’ (hipster word for ‘fucking amazing’), it is not what one experiences when the tube heats up and the screen flickers into view. What you get is akin to grabbing a Bunsen burner, heating up a spoon over the flame and using the heated junk to shoot your veins full of dumb.
The hosts are morons.
Morning television topics range from intellectually compromised to ridiculous: and sometimes this is without a single segue-way – as surely a segue-way of any kind to bridge these two themes together would be an exercise in scatology. Within one despairing minute, you will witness the hairdos on the plush yellow sofa talking about how the missing Malaysian flight event is ‘so weird’ – to then breathlessly, exclaim, ‘but what’s not weird is our next guests rise to fame!’
Of course, there are some helpful topics. Without these shows, I wouldn’t know the best products to buy to magically shed a few extra pounds, or which face cream could make me look seconds younger. If I call now, they will throw in a second one for free so it is possible to turn those seconds into minutes! How many times can we hear about he who spawned from the bowels of Kim Kardashian, or whether or not black is in this season? I realise these are not ‘news’ shows but they were created to fill an important timeframe: the time when parents, predominantly mothers, are taking care of their families before they go to school and/or work. If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, a meal that prepares us for the slog ahead, should not our minds be thusly prepped also? Yes, I used the word ‘thusly’. This is real, people!
The hosts are morons. I don’t care if they have a history of tertiary education, the only thing they major in is silliness and they exhibit degrees of stupidity. They fester in puddles of intellectual excrement and then walk inside our homes, without wiping their shoes, and leave indelible stains of shit on our floors. I am not saying that I want a morning show hosted by Salman Rushdie, Stephen Hawking, and Angela Merkel, but at least a species from the upper echelon of the evolutionary spectrum. Is a Stephen Fry morning show too much to ask for? I think the most frightening thing about the hosts is that a healthy majority of them were once, or at least trained to be, journalists and news reporters. I shudder to think what would have befallen our stoic media industries had these fools been allowed to flourish.
Lucky that didn’t happen.
What do you think of the quality of morning television? Is Marc Downe right, or is he right over the edge? Comment below, and remember to thumbs up if you like his rant.