Hello cocks! A hallmark plan for all your Easter card needs!

Picture of an Easter Card.
It's Easter soon, baaaby.

 

Are you sending Easter cards? Are you one of those?

Easter is a very serious time as children all over christendom remember Jesus by stockpiling calories, leaving many of us to cook dinner for ungrateful family.

Well, why not lighten the atmosphere? No, don’t bench press the air around you! Send your own scribed Easter cards with epithets derived from popular rap, heavy metal and pop music.

We’ve come up with four examples to help make your Easter.

 

1. An Easter card for children

Sometimes you need to put children back in the box – now you can by using a great traditional ditty from Boston Irish hip-hoppers House of Pain, Top of the Resurrection to You

Picture house of pain
These rhymes are like (easter) eggs. I keep layin em, I keep sayin em.
Dear Toby Tobes,

Freak it, funk it, back seat junk it

If you cant get with it, you’ll wind up sweatin it
Then you’ll get a beatin, just like an easter egg
Its so hard to run when you’ve got a broken leg

So sit quietly, take your Ritalin, and eat your chocolate, love Mum.x

Photo Credit

 

2. An Easter Card for your estranged partner

For the love of your life – that you’ve fallen out of love with – you’re going to need something epic, and who better than from the world’s greatest band The Stone Roses, with their fantastic acoustic folk song, I really am the Resurrection.

Dear Richard,

Don’t waste your words I don’t need anything from you
I don’t care where you’ve been or what you plan to do
I am the resurrection and I am the light
I couldn’t ever bring myself to hate you as I’d like

So lets pretend we’re happy for the kids sake, love…who am I kidding, Cassandra.

Stone Roses innit.
Stone Roses innit.

Photo Credit: aktivioslo via Compfight cc

 

3. An Easter Card for a girl thinking of committing the really bad sin that lands you in purgatory (apparently)

If you are a man of action, the sort of man to save your girl from sin and eternal purgatory, the song Chocolate Pope could massively improve her Easter outlook. This one is by the famous band Electric Six…Pack of Cadbury Creme Eggs.


Dear Pat,

I bought my girlfriend a chocolate pope
‘Cause she seems to be at the end of her rope
Italian candy with SWISS chocolate flavor
Such a delicious, delicious way
To save her

Please come down from that building, I’ll pay for your rehab AND the money you owe Ricky, love Frank.

4. An Easter card for your nosey neighbor

Finally, what about that card for the nosey neighbor? You want to keep up appearances while discouraging further solicitation? Do you hate it when you see Tony’s nose poking over your fence? Do you distress when you see their curtains sway slightly whenever you leave your house? We recommend a delicate Warning (NSFW) from everyones second favorite dead rapper, Biggie Smalls. This is bound to make you the king of the hood.

 

Dear Tony and Barbara,

There’s gonna be a lot of slow singing and flower bringing
If my burglar alarm starts ringing
What ya think all the guns is for?
All-purpose war, got the Rottweilers by the door
And I feed em gunpowder, so they can devour
The criminals trying to drop my decimals
Damn, niggas wanna stick me for my cream eggs.

Thanks for putting the bins out for us, love Nigel and Jemima.

John Goodman is not Biggie Smalls.
Not Biggie Smalls, but is a Goodman.

photo by Alan Light [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

You might be going on holiday soon so don’t completely burn your bridges with Tony and Barbara. Or burn your crosses in your back garden. Have a great Easter.

 Yo, cock image is from here.

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