How to : Save the World in a Dignified Manner

Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaise
Yes. Like these.

Saving the world is a grand thing to do.

Firstly, it preserves your property investment value. Secondly, it gives you the opportunity to tell everyone you meet that they owe you their life, while also claiming you prefer not to talk about it.

The trouble with saving the world – of course – is that saving the world indicates the world is in fact in danger : that unfortunately implies, that you may be in danger. The role of saviour is fraught : just think, you could easily split a nail, have unkempt hair, die or even forget to call your mother. So now that you know the downside; how can you obtain that smug feeling of knowing that everyone  in the world owes their continuing existence to your heroic actions, without putting yourself at risk at all, at all? Here we present four ideas on how to save the world in a dignified manner, alternatively called a guide to middle management.

 

1. Prevent global warming by using toilet roll tubes and some aluminum foil and a stolen diagram from NASA, and stuff.

Everyone detests the rain, and too much rain causes wellington boots everywhere to fill quicker than you can say ‘shoe toilets’. Thankfully you can be the hero by building your own weather satellite, simply utilizing spare items from your home. Design the mechanical space beast to control weather patterns by simply incorporating a Commodore 64 in its design and use it to defeat Superman Monsanto tobacco companies inclement weather. Even if it fails, you can use all that toilet paper you wasted to mop up damp spots.

Save the world cats.
Step 1 -Harvest toilet roll tubes by unleashing mysterious cat duos.
A room covered in tin foil.
Step 2 – Search your entire home for spare aluminum foil. You only need a scrap so look closely.
Scientific Diagram Stolen from NASA
Step 3 – Use Nasa’s plan to piss off the rain using colorful erections! Piss off rain!

The Glorious Payoff

Once you have beaten the weather, you can tell everyone about how you did it, and reap heavenly rewards. Just like how Richard Pryor did in Superman 3 (if I hadn’t just taken a major liberty with the films plot).

Richard Pryor
Monty Brewster reprises his famous role as Richard Pryor.

 

2. Fly a remote control plane into an oncoming meteor to deflect it from falling into that small pile of rocks in your garden; thereby preventing a minor tectonic shift that could cause boundary issues.

The plane part of this is easy; go to your local hobby store or Amazonian.com and buy this –

Remote control plane.
The Plane! The Plane!

and then go onto high-class luxury item web site eBay and buy these –

A pair of Raybans
The Glasses! The Glasses!

play this record at a volume commensurate to neighborhood complaints –

Picture of Top Gun Album Cover
The Cruise! In a rare shot with a taller woman.

while you and  your co-conspirator wear outfits like this –

Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaise
The Cruise! In a rare shot with a taller man.

The issue for you of course, is sourcing a large meteor without purchasing a telescope. Well fear not! This is easily fixed by asking your taller partner to break into your next-door neighbors garden ; and to gracefully lob any offensive Travertine furniture they find over the fence back into your garden. All you need to do, is to fly the plane into your co-conspirators forehead, and phone the police. He was cramping your style anyway.

The Pocket-Sized Payoff

Not only will you have saved the world from travesty travertine, and from a minor tectonic shift, you will have also made a very comprehensive statement about your neighbor’s taste, which they will have noted. You’ve saved the world, and become a little King of your very own little dimension.

King Fausto Strange Picture
Long live the Cruise! Long live the Cruise!

 

3.Eat as much of ‘The Blob’ as you can before ‘The Blob’ gets to your home town and consumes everything in your veggie patch.

Now look, if you’re going to save the world, it’s important that you’re hungrier than a Siegfried and Roy tiger. Already being full from devouring a pot roast for lunch with all the trimmings makes afternoon world saving quite gassy.

I can’t stress this enough, particularly if you’re going to save the world by eating The Blob before it eats you. It’s not impossible, but it’s still trickier than David Blaine on a policeman’s polygraph test. The key here is to create an illusion of difficulty. You can do this like I did, with my iPhone device. I  photograped some Jello from close up – the closer you get, the bigger ‘The Blob’ will look. This will create a ‘copperfieldesque‘ (sic Fraudsters Dictionary) illusion of a massive size Blob that you can use to spread panic over social media. Here is an attempt I made earlier, I think you’ll find it convincing.

A picture of packets of jello on a supermarket shelf.
A terrifying close-up of the blob thanks to my iPhone.

After you tweet a photograph like this, prepare for the global panic that will hit Planet Earth – if that is where you live. It’s important that you act fast before you succumb to your own Paul Daniels style deception. Film or photograph yourself eating the jello The Blob to absolute completion. Do not just film the consumption – struggle with every mouthful as if each taste tests your mortality. If you enjoy Jello too much, try watching Sister Wives while eating – it will create all the facial expressions you’re going to need to convincingly communicate that you have saved the world from a fate worse than television. Simply post the results on You Tube to be acclaimed a modern day Houdini.

 

The For My Next Trick Payoff

Gawker man in glasses
Nothing up my sleeves, Nothing up my sleeves.

You’ll revel in your short-term celebrity on one of the gawker web sites, just like I did.

 

4. Tackle the worlds un-eaten bagel mountain problem by being fashionably sustainable about it.

Bagel
Spread em.

Bagels. What a waste of space. What other food – apart from Jam Donuts, Pretzels, Polo’s and Onion Rings and other foods like bagels – would wrap itself around valuable air-pockets that the world needs to support tree growth for the logging industry. If the ever-present threat of unused bagels bothers you – take action! Turn your back on humanity; and your friends and your family; and your constant utility bills. Save the world by becoming a carnival person!

Commuters on a tube train.
Step Une – Turn your back on people who sit next to you when there’s more space elsewhere.
Picture of a carnival person holding a dart.
Step Deux – Become like Jay from Jay and Silent Bob and operate a concession stand at the fair.

By doing this, you can invent a fairground concession stand called “Bagel Punch”, where you invite customers to punch a hole in a bagel. I’ll leave the rest to your over-vivid and ridiculous imagination. Remember if you want to be taken seriously, don’t be too outlandish with your ideas.

The Cuddly Toy Payoff

This won’t help you with that much with the bagel situation, but the discussion amongst your family and friends and your utility suppliers will simply add more fuel to the fire that you disappeared due to saving the world, and that you might actually be Jay from films such as Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back and Clerks II. (if you play the video link – do note there is a swear word in it you risk taking world saver you).

Good luck, intrepid middle managers of the world. Your Mr Cruise time is now.
Photo credits - Foil room, Chase Urich WikiCommons : Cat Toilet Roll, Dan4th Wiki Commons : Richard Pryor, Alan Light, Wikimedia Commons : Plane, courtesy Amazon.com : King Fausto Herve Villechaize, Joe Mud, Flickr, Creative Commons, Carny, ce matin, un lapin, via Compfight, Creative Commons : Strangers of London - Flickr, via Compfight, Creative Commons : Jello - eek the cat, Flickr, via Compfight, Creative Commons.
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Marc is busy defining the word idiot, which is handy because that is how he is generally referenced by people. He writes. He does a couple of comic characters. He is also what you might call a sit-down stand-up – if you can call ‘sitting down’ falling asleep.

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